Dear love, (Part 2)

Dear love, 

It’s becoming a ritual I guess, to write on your birthdays. I love doing it. The moment I woke up today and saw the posts that were out for you out on social media, even I wanted to. I wanted to show the world that actually only I mattered and not any of these people. But I couldn’t, so I just chose to write this for you and I have no idea when you’ll have to chance to read this. 

But hey, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I’m so glad that I was able to wish you and the fact that I could be talking to you today. See, I’m still excited for the 4th of May as I’m excited for cake. I don’t know why but I think some things just don’t change and some feelings don’t either. It’s been one hell of a year with so many ups and downs but I’m just happy for the fact that I’m talking to you. There are so many things I wish I could be doing for you today. I have nothing in my heart against you, I think I’ll just probably never have. It’s amazing how happy I’m feeling today. I don’t really know what’s happening in your life or who you like or anything. But for me, I just know the fact that no matter what I’ll keep searching for you, in everything and everybody. Okay let’s not make this all emo? Happy birthday cake. Have an amazing year ahead. And here’s to growing older but still behaving like an 8 year old. Seeing you since 16 is only making me laugh for the fact that you’re growing older, because I can’t really believe it. 

Fighting battles

It’s pathetic. My condition right now. 

I should be prescribed anti-depressants instead I’m just told to rest with some random medicines. 

My head is clogging with all the thoughts that never found a way out of me. The ones that never found a solution. The ones that were crying to be let out. 

I looked perfectly normal. Some thought my complexion lightened but I just became pale. I became weaker, but put on a lot of fat. I sat hours together studying and also hoping that all these haunting memories would fade away. 

It initially started with you. It was always you. It was always the reason that you and I were distant, away from each other for so many months that caused all the problem. I always wanted you to be my solution. But you chose better things. You found out that smoking helped you out of things I couldn’t. You found your perfect replacement. 

I’m still struggling to get you out of my head. I never knew I was suffering from depression. I thought everyone felt this way. Yes everyone does, but it just lingered with me for too long. That’s the problem. I’ve been feeling this way for more than 2 years, and I chose not to cry because every time I did, you hated me. I chose not to drink or smoke, because you hated that too. But look at you love, look at what you’ve done to yourself. Look at what we’ve done to ourselves. It was better fighting with you than staying away and fighting with myself to not remember who you are. I really wish things changed. I really wish you were still the same. I destroyed myself along with you. I don’t know where to run or how to get my way out of this. My vision is blurring out now. I really can’t type more. I wish things changed. I wish you were still the same.