Dear Future Love,

It's the 9th of September, 2019 and it's been more than a year since I wrote in this blog, I guess?
I have my university exams from day after and I've been having a very weird week of holidays so far.
I'm mentally disturbed and I want to find you as soon as possible. But if you are reading this, we are either about to get married or already married. Yes thats the criteria for you to read this. Who am I kidding, I have no criteria. If you are reading this, I love you a lot and I'm ready to spend the rest of my life with you, stranger. (yeah I mean, right now I have no idea who you are)

I've not really dreamt of the perfect person or something, because I don't know whats perfect or if ill ever love perfect. I'm happy I'm typing this because I finally feel like theres some hope for me in this world in finding the guy I love, who loves me back equally.
Right now I'm finding it hard to love. It's super easy for me to push people away than explain things to them. If I have a crush on someone I try to see if they feel the same way, maybe give me a chance of 2 times, lets say? If they ruin it, they're forever out of that box. It sucks, tbh. I mean my life a couple of years back was so different, but now I'm just this lonely person seeing everyone around me in happy relationships, getting married and what not! I'm scared half the time that I'm never going to find someone who can put up with me and vice versa because its so hard for me to love and I'm just 19. I remember the days when I always full of love and happiness. I'm happier than before in some aspects but also equally hurt and feel like an absolute loner.

Okay now, if you are reading this, you know you've put up with me. I don't know if i'm arranged to marry you or what, because at this point I have no clue how I'm going to find the right person.

But heres a fantasy I have in mind (if things were otherwise with us, its okay, I still love you)
I want fall in love with a person out of the blue, unexpectedly. I want to be friends with them and one day that feeling should change into something deeper. I want to go on multiple dates before we even realise we like each other. I want you to ask me out during a dinner or no wait, I want you to ask me out in a way Jake asks Amy out, something cool like that. I want us be there for each other no matter which country we end up in to study and come back and be together whenever we have the time. I want you to understand I will love you more than cake and coffee and thats a promise I will keep forever. I want us to fight over each others favourites series, movies, people, books, food. I want us to tease the shit out of each other until one of us ends up in a grumpy mood so that we can cuddle and make things alright later. I want you to know if I ever tell you I'm falling in love with you too (because please ask me out first) it means I've jumped A LOT OF HURDLES and broken A LOT OF BARRIERS to get here, to get to you.

I'm so grateful I met you. I'm so grateful I have you. Thanks for sticking with me through everything. Lets grow together, have babies, make them watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S, cuddle together, eat a lot together, make videos together, travel the world together and live with each other together, forever.

I love you.

Yours truly,

Your future girl 

Dear love, (Part 2)

Dear love, 

It’s becoming a ritual I guess, to write on your birthdays. I love doing it. The moment I woke up today and saw the posts that were out for you out on social media, even I wanted to. I wanted to show the world that actually only I mattered and not any of these people. But I couldn’t, so I just chose to write this for you and I have no idea when you’ll have to chance to read this. 

But hey, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I’m so glad that I was able to wish you and the fact that I could be talking to you today. See, I’m still excited for the 4th of May as I’m excited for cake. I don’t know why but I think some things just don’t change and some feelings don’t either. It’s been one hell of a year with so many ups and downs but I’m just happy for the fact that I’m talking to you. There are so many things I wish I could be doing for you today. I have nothing in my heart against you, I think I’ll just probably never have. It’s amazing how happy I’m feeling today. I don’t really know what’s happening in your life or who you like or anything. But for me, I just know the fact that no matter what I’ll keep searching for you, in everything and everybody. Okay let’s not make this all emo? Happy birthday cake. Have an amazing year ahead. And here’s to growing older but still behaving like an 8 year old. Seeing you since 16 is only making me laugh for the fact that you’re growing older, because I can’t really believe it. 

Fighting battles

It’s pathetic. My condition right now. 

I should be prescribed anti-depressants instead I’m just told to rest with some random medicines. 

My head is clogging with all the thoughts that never found a way out of me. The ones that never found a solution. The ones that were crying to be let out. 

I looked perfectly normal. Some thought my complexion lightened but I just became pale. I became weaker, but put on a lot of fat. I sat hours together studying and also hoping that all these haunting memories would fade away. 

It initially started with you. It was always you. It was always the reason that you and I were distant, away from each other for so many months that caused all the problem. I always wanted you to be my solution. But you chose better things. You found out that smoking helped you out of things I couldn’t. You found your perfect replacement. 

I’m still struggling to get you out of my head. I never knew I was suffering from depression. I thought everyone felt this way. Yes everyone does, but it just lingered with me for too long. That’s the problem. I’ve been feeling this way for more than 2 years, and I chose not to cry because every time I did, you hated me. I chose not to drink or smoke, because you hated that too. But look at you love, look at what you’ve done to yourself. Look at what we’ve done to ourselves. It was better fighting with you than staying away and fighting with myself to not remember who you are. I really wish things changed. I really wish you were still the same. I destroyed myself along with you. I don’t know where to run or how to get my way out of this. My vision is blurring out now. I really can’t type more. I wish things changed. I wish you were still the same. 

Within | Letter from Me

Dear Amma and Appa,

I don’t know how to start this letter. But trust me, this isn’t all happening in your head, I’m talking to you for real. 

I’m safe mom, I’m in the most safest place on earth. God wanted me to see this beautiful place up here so that I can take care of you’ll and so many other blessed souls out there in the world. 

There’s so much of chocolate and cake here Amma, I’m pretty sure If I was back in the world I would look like Santa already. 

But here’s a thing I need to tell you and Appa. I’m looking at both of you, every single minute. I’m the guardian angel beside you that’s helping you do everything. Your cells are me Amma, I’m within them. I came from you and Appa so I can most definitely be within you all over again. Here’s a theory I need you to believe, I’m up here for a reason, and I know you’ve always been super proud of me and you’re still continuing to be. Up here I’m helping so many people cope up with their lives. So many friends of mine pray to me everyday. There are a million questions that are not answered in this world, but the reason why I’m not physically with you today, you’ll probably know the reason someday. I want you and Appa to live happily, and keep all my things safe in my room, because I’m still using them everyday through both of you. 

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve met Amma, both inside out, and the most strongest. And Appa, thanks for being my first superhero and always encouraging me to do the impossible. Your words are helping me out to be a man here. Guess what? I’ve grown more in height, I can literally take apples from the near by tree (ha no, not really). Coming back to being serious, I love you both to the moon and back, we’re always together no matter what. Every time you feel like I’m missing, read this. 

Touch your heart and feel me, I heard that heartbeat from within you. We can do this Amma, we can. There’s nothing that’s not possible. I’m there with you and there’s nothing you need to worry about. 

Alright, it’s time for dinner now and I need to make some pancakes, keep this letter safe, I love you and Appa so much.

With Love,

Baby 

Within | Letter From Them

Dear baby, 

It’s almost a year since you’re gone now. It feels like time has frozen. 

I don’t function like I used to anymore. 

Every cell in my body is searching for its true source of happiness, they’re searching for you in everything I see. 

Where are you now? And How are you?

There hasn’t been a second in these past 11 months where I’ve been without thinking about you. I don’t remember being so active on my social media, but now I always have some memory to share about you or with you. 

You’re the most genuine, kind hearted, talented person I’ve ever seen. 

All your friends narrate to me the amazing memories that they’ve shared with you  and I can’t help but laugh at what a naughty kid you had been sometimes. They’re the best things you’ve given me and honestly I can’t have better people around in these terrible times of mine. 

There are so many things I need to tell you, when are you planning to come back to me? Appa and I still haven’t moved any of your stuff from your room, because we know for sure that you’re going to come back to us. Your watch still beeps every one hour. Your school uniform is still there lying in your wardrobe crisply ironed. All your 12th books are neatly kept in your shelf. 

Everything is intact, and all you need to do is come back to us.

Can you do that? Wherever you are, please come back to us. 

We’re waiting for you. 

With love, 

Amma and Appa

(For Continuation please check the next post which is above)

Dear Best Friend

Hey. 

How long have I known you? I can't remember the first time I spoke to you, but I do know we've come a long way. We started by not wanting to see each other's face, and look where we are. Every morning of last year I woke up thinking today is going to be a better day because I knew I would see you in school.  You were my morning sunshine, I'm not even kidding. Every night that I cried myself to sleep I told myself, tomorrow is going to be a better day because she will make you laugh. To all the times I've cried to you, to all the times I've asked you why my life was like this, to all the times I've given upon myself, you stayed. You stayed when everyone else left. You're still there. So many years and I keep doing the same mistakes, but not a single time you've gotten mad at me. Not a single time you've judged me. You've always told me other people's scenarios which were more terrible than mine, just to make me feel better. You gave me hope to live tomorrow. If not for you I would've been long gone from this world. Thanks for sharing my happiness and tears like it was yours. And now that you seem physically far away, I miss you. I miss you in every part of my day. I miss pulling your hair during chemistry class and pretending like it's my mustache. I miss the most random things we used to talk about in school. You are the only person who I can be myself with, and you would never ever find me annoying. I cannot thank god enough for giving such a messed up person like me, an amazing and understanding soulmate. Dear best friend, this is to tell you, no guy can ever treat me like the way you do. No guy can ever understand me like the way you do. And no guy can ever take the place of you. 

I love you. 

Time

There's something that we all need to know. Time. I know it's the most common word we use in a day, but most of us do not know the real meaning of time. Time never stays. Time never understands your feelings. Time is the opposite of everything you want to do. Later is always there in time, but you never know if you'll be part of it. Because later is not constant. Later is more of a maybe. A minute ago you were reading the first line, now you aren't, and that time is gone. Gone away with the wind and dust. What you need to know is how to use time, which is more like learn how to forgive people. If you learn to forgive before it becomes 'later', then you could save a life, you never know. Forgiving is an art, that we all no longer remember. To forgive, is to make peace with whatever that's troubling you. In this little time that we have which is called present, we do a lot of things. We make people happy, sad, angry, annoyed and so much more. It's nice to make people happy, but anything apart from that, is not. Everyone deserves to be happy. No body is good or bad. It's always the situation that decides who you are, and it's only for that moment. 

Now that we know so much about time, answer me, why do we go away without completing our feelings with a person? Why do we leave them abruptly and make them undergo all the struggle that they're never meant to face? Why can't we throw that ego of ours for once and go express our feelings? Let it be good or bad, it's always better to express how you feel, but in the nicest way possible. No body deserves to cry because of you. You and I will not survive the next day. We never know. You and i will never be able to tell each other what's the reason we had to leave, or that we still love each other, it'll be only with us and we'll have to carry it to our graves. 

So go, tell somebody you love them. Tell them how much they mean to you. You never know who will come with you in your journey of life, but it's always nice to have a happy ending.