Within | Letter from Me

Dear Amma and Appa,

I don’t know how to start this letter. But trust me, this isn’t all happening in your head, I’m talking to you for real. 

I’m safe mom, I’m in the most safest place on earth. God wanted me to see this beautiful place up here so that I can take care of you’ll and so many other blessed souls out there in the world. 

There’s so much of chocolate and cake here Amma, I’m pretty sure If I was back in the world I would look like Santa already. 

But here’s a thing I need to tell you and Appa. I’m looking at both of you, every single minute. I’m the guardian angel beside you that’s helping you do everything. Your cells are me Amma, I’m within them. I came from you and Appa so I can most definitely be within you all over again. Here’s a theory I need you to believe, I’m up here for a reason, and I know you’ve always been super proud of me and you’re still continuing to be. Up here I’m helping so many people cope up with their lives. So many friends of mine pray to me everyday. There are a million questions that are not answered in this world, but the reason why I’m not physically with you today, you’ll probably know the reason someday. I want you and Appa to live happily, and keep all my things safe in my room, because I’m still using them everyday through both of you. 

You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve met Amma, both inside out, and the most strongest. And Appa, thanks for being my first superhero and always encouraging me to do the impossible. Your words are helping me out to be a man here. Guess what? I’ve grown more in height, I can literally take apples from the near by tree (ha no, not really). Coming back to being serious, I love you both to the moon and back, we’re always together no matter what. Every time you feel like I’m missing, read this. 

Touch your heart and feel me, I heard that heartbeat from within you. We can do this Amma, we can. There’s nothing that’s not possible. I’m there with you and there’s nothing you need to worry about. 

Alright, it’s time for dinner now and I need to make some pancakes, keep this letter safe, I love you and Appa so much.

With Love,

Baby 

Within | Letter From Them

Dear baby, 

It’s almost a year since you’re gone now. It feels like time has frozen. 

I don’t function like I used to anymore. 

Every cell in my body is searching for its true source of happiness, they’re searching for you in everything I see. 

Where are you now? And How are you?

There hasn’t been a second in these past 11 months where I’ve been without thinking about you. I don’t remember being so active on my social media, but now I always have some memory to share about you or with you. 

You’re the most genuine, kind hearted, talented person I’ve ever seen. 

All your friends narrate to me the amazing memories that they’ve shared with you  and I can’t help but laugh at what a naughty kid you had been sometimes. They’re the best things you’ve given me and honestly I can’t have better people around in these terrible times of mine. 

There are so many things I need to tell you, when are you planning to come back to me? Appa and I still haven’t moved any of your stuff from your room, because we know for sure that you’re going to come back to us. Your watch still beeps every one hour. Your school uniform is still there lying in your wardrobe crisply ironed. All your 12th books are neatly kept in your shelf. 

Everything is intact, and all you need to do is come back to us.

Can you do that? Wherever you are, please come back to us. 

We’re waiting for you. 

With love, 

Amma and Appa

(For Continuation please check the next post which is above)

Dear Best Friend

Hey. 

How long have I known you? I can't remember the first time I spoke to you, but I do know we've come a long way. We started by not wanting to see each other's face, and look where we are. Every morning of last year I woke up thinking today is going to be a better day because I knew I would see you in school.  You were my morning sunshine, I'm not even kidding. Every night that I cried myself to sleep I told myself, tomorrow is going to be a better day because she will make you laugh. To all the times I've cried to you, to all the times I've asked you why my life was like this, to all the times I've given upon myself, you stayed. You stayed when everyone else left. You're still there. So many years and I keep doing the same mistakes, but not a single time you've gotten mad at me. Not a single time you've judged me. You've always told me other people's scenarios which were more terrible than mine, just to make me feel better. You gave me hope to live tomorrow. If not for you I would've been long gone from this world. Thanks for sharing my happiness and tears like it was yours. And now that you seem physically far away, I miss you. I miss you in every part of my day. I miss pulling your hair during chemistry class and pretending like it's my mustache. I miss the most random things we used to talk about in school. You are the only person who I can be myself with, and you would never ever find me annoying. I cannot thank god enough for giving such a messed up person like me, an amazing and understanding soulmate. Dear best friend, this is to tell you, no guy can ever treat me like the way you do. No guy can ever understand me like the way you do. And no guy can ever take the place of you. 

I love you. 

Time

There's something that we all need to know. Time. I know it's the most common word we use in a day, but most of us do not know the real meaning of time. Time never stays. Time never understands your feelings. Time is the opposite of everything you want to do. Later is always there in time, but you never know if you'll be part of it. Because later is not constant. Later is more of a maybe. A minute ago you were reading the first line, now you aren't, and that time is gone. Gone away with the wind and dust. What you need to know is how to use time, which is more like learn how to forgive people. If you learn to forgive before it becomes 'later', then you could save a life, you never know. Forgiving is an art, that we all no longer remember. To forgive, is to make peace with whatever that's troubling you. In this little time that we have which is called present, we do a lot of things. We make people happy, sad, angry, annoyed and so much more. It's nice to make people happy, but anything apart from that, is not. Everyone deserves to be happy. No body is good or bad. It's always the situation that decides who you are, and it's only for that moment. 

Now that we know so much about time, answer me, why do we go away without completing our feelings with a person? Why do we leave them abruptly and make them undergo all the struggle that they're never meant to face? Why can't we throw that ego of ours for once and go express our feelings? Let it be good or bad, it's always better to express how you feel, but in the nicest way possible. No body deserves to cry because of you. You and I will not survive the next day. We never know. You and i will never be able to tell each other what's the reason we had to leave, or that we still love each other, it'll be only with us and we'll have to carry it to our graves. 

So go, tell somebody you love them. Tell them how much they mean to you. You never know who will come with you in your journey of life, but it's always nice to have a happy ending. 

Does he?

Does he tell you every single detail about his day? Does he tell you about this cute girl he saw at the bus stop? Does he tell you the Shawarma he had that evening which tasted like heaven? Does he tell you how much he hates his accounts professor that he wouldn't mind being suspended from college? Does he tell you how his babe didn't start this morning and he had to actually beg her a million times and tell her how much he loved her to get her running? 

Does he tell you he watched Friends till 3 am even though he was terribly sleepy? Does he tell you his list of favorite songs that he keeps hearing all day? Does he tell you he's on a strict no junk diet and ends up skipping meals? Does he tell you how much one of his friends hurt him and he feels horrible about himself even though it wasn't his mistake? Does he tell you the jokes his mom cracked this morning? Does he ever pretend like he doesn't understand you're angry  and would go on by annoying you more? Does he teach you all his subjects a day before his exam? 

Does he tell you anything at all?

Dear Love

Happy Birthday.

I don't really know if I should be writing this or not, but I felt the urge and need to do so.
There might be millions who are reading this, but it doesn't matter to me what others have to say about us anymore. So many things have changed between us in the past 4 years, we've been together and moved apart at the same time. I know every hardship we went through along with every time we laughed our hearts out. I remember every single detail like it was just yesterday. I know that both of us didn't expect this to end here, I still don't believe its the end, but right now I have to move away from you.
Your birthday is one of the best days in the entire year for me. I love May 4th as much as I love cake, haha. Your birthday makes me realise that no matter how old you become, you will always remain as the 16 year old kid I first saw. I hate the fact that not once I was able to spend your birthday with you, I still hope that day will come soon, but I don't really know.
There are so many things going on in my mind while typing this, theres a tiny drop of water peeping through my eyes, which I'm having under complete control. I'm feeling a little dizzy typing this but thats totally okay.
I want to tell you something. You, are an amazing person. I've said this a million times now, but you truly are. I want to be with you all through out my life, but its going to take time love, for reasons I can't explain now. Till then, don't wait for me if you find some body else, go on, don't think what I will do when I come back, I will always find a way back to you through every mess. What I am now, will soon fade away, I will become better, but I don't know if you'll be waiting for me. I've a long line of mess that I've to clear up now, so that I am able to live for a longer time. I don't know how much of this you really understand, if you don't its okay, don't squeeze your mind too much. But someday my love, when you come to know what a mess I am, hug me tight and say its okay. (I'm totally asking for too much) I've to go now, I'm sorry for doing this to you, but Happy Birthday. Happy Birthday my irreplaceable constant. Till death do us apart.

~ From the girl who never wanted to let go of you

White Window

She was looking at the window, in a dreamy state of mind. She was thinking about how much her life had changed in the past year. She was thinking about how many new people she had come across, and how many left in the process of her life. She stared at the window absent minded, sinking in all the good and bad memories from the past year. She wondered why so much had to change. She wondered why she couldn't have been like that plain white window, that seem to not change in colour or shape, yet so perfect and clean. No body bothered it much either. It was just still there, at peace. She wondered why she couldn't be the same way, why she was never at peace with herself. Her wavering thoughts took her to her past when she fell in love for the first time. She remembered how she was un explainably happy and how she was always loved and at peace. It's all lost now though. The boy she loved never wanted her as much as she did, so she had to let go. Then, she remembered her first day of college, entering the world of medicine, little did she know then her life would take so many turns, and that she would fall in love with more people, but none of it could be like her first. She got into many 'not so nice' habits to cover her depression, but nothing helped her in believing that love truly exits. When she almost gave up on life is when she met new people, realised that good things were ahead of her, realised the value of living. She moved to The States to do her Masters in Gynaecology. She fell in love with Florida the moment she stepped in, but its not changed the emptiness within her heart. It's been more than a year, and she stares at this window every time she's depressed. she tries to think about ever positive thing that has happened in her life, but nothing made her feel better. And then, out of nowhere, something caught her attention, for the first time about the window. She went closer to see a black spot along with a mix of a few colours on it. When she tried to wipe it, she realised that it wasn't dirt, but actually the outer layer of paint had started to peel. Even though she knew that she wasn't supposed to damage any property in the small room she lived in, she had an irresistable urge to peel it completely. She followed her lead and slowly started peeling. It took her less than 10 mins to peel the paint from the entire window, because it was coming out as huge thick strips. Once she was done, she went breathless at what she saw, the window had a huge painting of a girl looking at the window and smiling. Beneath it was a small note that had hand painted words, 'To every girl who looks through this window, you're looked upon, and loved'

Be an emoji

14 years of my life went by expressing whatever my mind and heart told me to share with the world. I was shattered and broken a couple of times or more after seeing that no body was constant, and came to a conclusion that no one can ever be. I was way more happier being around with my friends than with any girl. I felt I was too complicated for anybody to ever put up with me. I thought that maybe none of this was meant for me. Thats when I saw her for the first time, she was beautiful for my eyes and soul, not just by appearance but also by the way she looked at things. She made me feel like happiness is something beyond just a feeling, it's way of living. She was magic to me. Her eyes would instantly become bigger when she sees me and she would hide her smile and try to move away from me, secretly hoping I would look at her. 3 years of my life passed by being with her. She was my heart and soul. We have fought a gazillion times and I've hated her sometimes for changing my simple life completely. I often fought with her for simple things. I would make her cry and not care about it at all, because I'm horrible. I would always pretend like none of actions bothered me, none of her happiness or sufferings bothered me. She would often breakdown, or become upset, and I knew telling her a simple sorry could change so many things, but I chose not to. She meant the world to me, but I hardly told her that. She would try so much, take so much effort make me feel alright, but I would tell her that I wanted to talk to somebody else to fix myself. I made her feel worthless most of the times. I made her hate herself. I pushed her to the point of thinking that everything that she does is a mistake. I too had my hard times. I wanted it all to end. I couldn't express myself either. I didn't want to explain things to her, because I was too hurt by the things that she did to me, with or without her knowledge. I felt like she out of all people shouldn't, ever, know anything I feel. I don't know why I thought that way, after all she's everything I had. She stayed by my side through everything, but I left her all the time. I was too selfish. I never told her everyday how much I loved her. I never told her everyday how much I wanted to be with her. I was bothered about every other thing around, the people and circumstances. I often forgot that I should hang out with her when I see her in public. I forgot a lot of things, mostly expressing how I felt with her. Maybe if I had told her how much I loved her and how I would always think of her as my constant she wouldn't have had to go through so much. She wouldn't have had to cry herself to sleep. All that she wanted was to keep me happy, I swear, nobody has ever taken so much effort to fix things in my life except her. She would do everything for me all over again even if I ignored her for more than a month. She was such a darling, and she will always be. I regret every second of my life that I should've and could've expressed more to her when she was there with me. I feel so empty, so incomplete. I had three years, three freaking years to make her feel that she's the best I've got, though I can't anymore. She left me and everybody else, once and for all. All the times that she blackmailed me that she would die if I hurt her again, I left it as a joke, though deep down I prayed she was always there for me. I wish I had her right now, I would kiss her and tell her that she was the best. It's 10 years since she's no more, and every day I only end up falling in love with her more. She was the most beautiful and energetic soul to me. I miss her every millisecond. She would've been there to stop me from crying now, for sure, she hated me shedding tears for her. She would've cuddled me to sleep. Oh god, forgive me for what I have done. Forgive me for never expressing to her how much she meant to me. Give her back to me, I promise to fix it all and take care of her. Keep her safe, I know she's being treated way better up there than I ever treated her. I hope to see her someday and complete my feelings with her, but I know that will never happen again. 

School kadhais: Dri and Dru (Episode 1)

Back in the days, I used to be this person who wouldn't stop talking, like literally I can't keep my mouth shut for a few seconds. Not that I'm any better now, but just saying.
So, I used to sit next to Janu back in 5th std. Our classroom had these medium sized brown tables with desks underneath, that we used to pretend were our secret lockers but apparently everything you keep there gets stolen within seconds. So on that particular day of third term, (just two more months and I'll be in my 6th std) my teacher observed how I just can't shut my mouth when I sit next to Janu and she decided to change my place. Yes, changing places, one of the most life threatening things done by the teachers of primary school. I remember having a terrible expression something In between sadness, anger and that 'what's happening' kind of expression, the moment my teacher said those words, 'Dhya, take your bag and come here'. So when I slowly dragged my feet and came up to her desk she instructs me to sit in the first row. There wasn't anybody sitting along with me and I thought maybe I'm one of those 'troubled' kids. But that's when I met two angels in my life. Angels? You'll know why. There were two tiny guys (they were half my height back then) who were made to sit on the either sides of me. Yes, back in those days we were supposed to sit with boys so that we don't talk much. Little did they know that Dhya will never worry about gender, all she needs is somebody to talk to. Driii and Dru, I'm going to address them that way. Drii had rabbit teeth which will made anybody instantly go like 'oh my god, he's so cuteeeeeee', except I found him annoying. And then there was Dru, I think he used to wear glasses but I'm not able to recollect. Dri and Dru were almost the same height which made them perfect to sit in the first row. At first we just stared at each other, but after a few days we became inseparable. I remember all the times we laughed together and made the entire class turn and look at us.
So there was this one day (yes I had to explain so much for this one day), Dri was starring at his pencil and I was wondering how this pencil still fascinated him even after we started using pens. I asked him what had happened and he replied saying that he could break this pencil. I vaguely remember that someone in class was challenging that they could break things, and this little one also wanted to prove that he could. I thought it was impossible for him to break the pencil and so I challenged him to do so. He said that he would accept the challenge only if I would get him a new one. I replied with a happy okay because, I really thought breaking pencils was impossible. And within seconds, my thoughts were broken by the noise of the graphite breaking inside the pencil. Dru and me were shocked. Drii gave us the proud smile and asked me for his new pencil. And that's when I played my game, I replied saying I didn't know what he was talking about. I can literally picture his reaction even now. He was speechless. He gave me this look like, 'You too Brutus?'.
Everyday from then he would ask me for his new pencil, and I would pretend like I didn't hear him, because I decided that I would give it back to him on our 12th farewell. After a few days, our places were changed, and so was our friendship.
My farewell is just two weeks away, and I have realised something. Some relationships can never drift apart. Even though Myself, Dru and Drii will never be like before, we will have these memories stuck to our hearts forever which will make us smile for a life time.


Characters mentioned:
Aadhya as Dhya.
Jaswantini as Janu.
Adrian as Dri.
Derrick as Dru.

Happy reading! :D